July 31, 1588 English fleet defeats the Spanish Armada. Philip II of Spain wanted to marry the English queen but she refused. Her sister, Mary, once married to Philip, said he was insensitive, prone to burping after meals, and was not a handyman around the castle. In a pique, King Philip II tried to invade England to teach the English chick a lesson.
August 1, 1836 HMS Beagle takes Charles Darwin to Bahai, Brazil. Wherever he goes, Darwin makes friends with animals. Monkeys take advantage of his gentle nature. They learn to get attention and food by by walking upright, playing with their toes, and mimicking his voice.
August 2, 1858 First mailboxes installed on New York and Boston streets. People confused about their use toss in cigar butts, French postcards, dirty hankies, and pamphlets explaining the purpose of mailboxes.
August 3, 1948 Alger Hiss accused of being a communist  by Whittaker Chambers. Chambers offers microfilm proof in documents hidden in a pumpkin. Chambers says film was first hidden in a dumbwaiter. Lawyers for Hiss upset they can't get dumbwaiter or garden scarecrow to
talk.
August 4, 1892 Lizzie Borden arrested in Fall River on suspicion of killing her father. In response to children's "Lizzie Borden" rhyme, Lizzie comes up with her own ditty:
Didn't do it! Didn't do it! You little brats!
Too bad your mom don't give you forty whacks!
If I did,I'm not to blame,
For there's no Oprah to share my pain.
Daddy was mean, a real Cape Cod.
He ignored my needs, the old tightwad!
It's not my fault that I'm now rich and cool.
So, shut your mouth and come play in my pool!

 

MTV is twenty-five and they're just beginning to hit their stride
With reality shows like Fresh Meat and  P i m p  My Ride.
They bring comedy and music to the scene
And are loved by brains stuck at age sixteen.
They ain't got time for God, that's true
Or anything wrapped in red, white or blue.
You are owed they seemed to say
So, go out and get yours ---and make them pay!
But
They're only twenty-five and that ain't old.
Their music is hot, cool, and bold.
They've changed many lives we've been told
And think of all the albums they have sold!
So
Happy Birthday and may your days be sunny
Turning teenage angst into piles of money!

         Talking on a cell phone can be dangerous to your health some experts say. It can result in the growth of tumors and can be as hazardous as drunk driving. The research seems to go both ways and some companies have come up with a radiation shield to protect users. No matter, Americans are in love with the cell phone. Some even claim it to be a fashion accessory. That means the cell phone is here to stay. People use them in libraries, restaurants, stores and I expect some Sunday to hear a Clutch Ringtone drift through the service somewhere between the second and third point of the minister's sermon. 
        Most point to poor concentration and bad reaction time as the main problems when driving. Fumbling with a cell phone while keeping an eye on traffic, controlling the car, and looking out for pedestrians is a danger to all. However, no one is addressing the problem of the cell phone "message!" Some messages received while driving can completely destroy your concentration. Here are some messages from home that might affect your driving skills:

!. "Mother called and thought our place would be perfect for the family reunion."
2. "Apparently, your son's art work is not appreciated by his gym teacher."
3. "Remember that red squirrel in the attic? He's baacckk!!"
4. "Our new neighbors seem nice. She said she once dated you in high school. She wouldn't
    tell me your nickname."
5. "ESPN says Tom Brady broke an arm playing darts in a Boston pub."
6. "First of all, it was your idea to get a puppy!"
7. "And would you mind stopping at the market? They've got a great sale on broccoli,
     eggplant, and sauerkraut and old Miss Brown would like a ride home."
8. "I heard there is no truth to the rumor that Helen Thomas and Keith Olbermann are
     having an affair. She claims he is too predictable for her--no imagination!"
9. "There is a van across the street with Publishers Clearing House painted on the side."
10."They're holding our daughter at the mall. She and her two friends say their credit cards
     were stolen."

"Can you hear me now?"
Maybe an answer in the negative isn't all that bad!

 

        I park my riding mower near the blackberry bushes and grab a handful. They are the first of the season. The bittersweet flavor is unlike other berries. The blackberry is an acquired taste, I guess. Maybe if I had grown up on them in cobblers and muffins I might appreciate them more. They are a sign that summer will soon end. Between the trees, I see the lake shining in the morning sun and I wonder if the campers are aware they are down to about five more weekends. I would like to ask them if they like blackberries. My guess is about five percent would. Some old codger might go on about blackberry wine. Blackberries need a public relations firm to enhance their image. He might promote some interesting blackberry facts:
* Blackberry tea was thought to cure dysentery during the Civil War. Truces were sometimes called to to allow soldiers to go "blackberrying" to get the fruit to ward off sickness.
* Blackberries contain antioxidants that fight cancer. They are the leading berries in this battle.
* Greeks looked to the blackberry to cure diseases of the mouth.
* It was once thought that the berry should not be picked after the middle of September because they were then claimed by the devil. It's true that by the middle of the month they are subject to harmful molds. 
        I should try some in a dish with sugar and cream. Still, I'm happier with the other berries. Isn't it wonderful we have a God that loves variety and has an imagination? What if He had only given us the blackberry? What if broccoli was the only vegetable He could come up with? This world is a much better place with the many different animals and birds and fish and races.
        The paper recently issued a warning about bears getting into bird feeders. Do bears like blackberries? I wonder if the cedar waxwing likes blackberries. They line up in bushes and pass the fruit from bird to bird until the guy at the end gets his share. There are stories of them getting tipsy on overripe fermented fruit. They are welcome to my blackberries. I must remember to keep a saucer of water and a few Alki-Seltzer tablets on hand, just in case.

July 24, 1959 Nixon argues with Khrushchev in what is know as the "Kitchen Debate." It started between the Maytag dryer and the Westinghouse dishwasher. Khrushchev claims Russia invented both. Nixon also upset over Mr. Clean wanting to defect to Russia where he claims he is needed more.                                                                                                   
July,25, 1946 First Bikini bathing suit shown at a Paris fashion show. Never had so insufficient covered so little and left so much to the imagination.
July 26, 1955 Ted Allen throws a record 72 consecutive horseshoe ringers. His fans said he would have done better if he'd taken the shoes off the horses first.
July 27, 1990 Zsa Zsa Gabor begins 3 day jail sentence for slapping a cop. During her stay, she added snitch, squealer, and stoolie to her vocabulary and became a great pal of diamond thief Wanda Walters.
July 28, 1914 Foxtrot first danced at New Amsterdam Roof Gardens in New York by Harry Fox who invented the dance. No truth to rumor that Walter Waltz invented the waltz or that Christine Charleston invented the charleston. It is believed Irene Mission (in a sulk) invented the intermission because nobody would "Begin the Beguine."

Pat says words we've heard before
It's not our fight, it's not our war.
He twitters and sniggers and looks for shadows.
Not for him are America's battles.
America First was the cry back then
When all Europe wondered where we'd been.
Sorry, we won't fight the terrorist foe,
To allies and friends Pat would say,"No!"
instead he would cajole and try to appease.
It might all go away, if we just say, "Please."
Already our flag has been dishonored and burned
And our enemy knows that some never learn.
When our buildings burn and we hear the cry of a baby,
To "Is it our war?" Pat will say, "Well...yes...maybe."

1. Mosquitoes are biting in shifts.
2. Cynthia Mckinney slaps a security guard who uses the word "hot" in her presence.
3. Maine lobsters jumping into pot.
4. Weather channel viewers want temperatures given in celsius because" They just sound
     cooler."
5. Lightening bugs suffer burnout.
6. Fighting erupts over monopoly game when two players claim Water Works.
7. Knife-wielding grandma yells, " Just a sliver" as she chases gang member who looks like
    iceman she had as a girl.
8. Most popular baby names by Hollywood elite: Incandescence, Pyrotechnic, Pyre, Fridgidaire.
    Nickname? B.T.U. !
9. Lady sues McDonald's after being burned by fiery hot fudge sundae.
10.Martha Stewart develops new summer salads named clink, cooler, and calaboose.

 

         Yard work has been difficult this summer. Humid weather and frequent thunderstorms have made it a real chore to tend gardens, mow lawns, and keep the grass clipped. If you live in an old house like I do, it doesn't take long for things to look ragged, unkempt. The place looks like I feel when I need a haircut.
        Remember the man who bought a rundown, derelict farm. The roof leaked, shingles were missing, and all of the windows rattled when the wind howled. His garden was overgrown with bushes and the stone fence that ringed the backyard had come tumbling down. But with hard work and determination in just a few years he had the place in order. A stranger dropping by to ask directions was quite taken with the farm. He congratulated the man saying," God has given you a wonderful place here. All is in order. His wondrous works can be seen everywhere."
    The man looked down at his stone fence, the rocks firmly in place. "Yes," he said,"but you should have seen this farm when He was working it by Himself."
        Isn't it wonderful that in whatever we do, we do it in partnership with God. We need Him to guide us and to give us the health and resolve to carry out His plan for us. But the greater miracle to me is that, in a way, God needs us too! He  wants us as a partner to carry out His will. We are doing the spadework of a great commission. We are His stewards and must honor His name in whatever we do. As His partner we are in tune with His perfect nature and possess a share of His marvelous glory!

July 17,1935 Famous Variety headline "Sticks Nix Hicks Pix" is published. Translation: "Rural areas say No to Movies about Rural  life"  Variety headline today might be "Dixie Chicks Nixed; *N.S.G. sales On Tix."
July 18, 1994 Crayola introduces scented crayons. Kids compete for colorings voted sweetest smell, most pungent, and most flowery. School bullies still prefer black and blue, no matter what the odor.
July 19, 1848 First women's right convention held in Seneca, Falls, New York. Men's comments: "Next they'll be calling the Bill of Rights, the Jill of Rights."
"They wanted to meet on a Monday but it's washday."
"Our only hope is not to let them vote."
July 20, 1944 German generals try to kill Hitler but fail. It's believed German generals lacked initiative, independence, and a will of their own; they had to be given commands from above. One general said, "If only Hitler had given the assassination order!" 
July 21, 1873 Jesse James and James Younger pull off their first train robbery in Adair, Iowa. They argued over holdup lines. Jesse wanted, "Stick 'em up!" while James Younger opted for, "Hands up!" They settled finally on "Reach for the sky!" Another expression came into being when a passenger told a lawman. " They went thataway!" 

*N.S.G. Not So Good

When I was a kid way back then
We studied, worked hard and wrote with a pen.
The world outside was confusion to us
But on our teachers we could respect and trust.
We had a world that was our very own.
No matter the troubles we had at home.
There were lessons in math and science too
And wonderful stories that to us were new.
We were given respect and a safety space
So the problems outside we could someday face.
But today, outside  worries are brought to school
And teachers work hard to be relevant and cool.
Kids are taught in this latest scheme
To work real hard on their self-esteem.
What matter the lessons of yesterday
Only now counts and today is the day.
We did think hard to discover the real
But now it's mostly, "How do you feel?"
Honor and duty are out-of-date
And to  the thing called God, we cannot relate.
I question the disorder and dread in the air
My queries are answered with blinks of despair.  

 

Revolutionary War:
*Washington plans Christmas attack on Trenton if ice holds on Delaware River!
*War veteran reports desertions and desperation at Valley Forge!
*Charleston and Camden fall to superior British forces under the expert leadership of
  Clinton and Gates.
*Brave Benedict  Arnold says Canadian campaign a disaster! " We cannot win this war!"
Civil War:
*General Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and James Longstreet give South leadership edge!
*Cabinet angry at Lincoln for telling smutty jokes at war strategy meetings!
*Lincoln gives anemic address at Gettysburg! Mother says, "Lincoln should be impeached!"
*Grant named general in chief! Veteran soldier: " We are being led by a drunk! We cannot
  win this war!"
World War I
*Americans wondering if loss of just 128 lives on Lusitania a valid reason for going to
 War!
*Times reporter gets exclusive picture of new weapon named "Tank" to be used to
  break trench stalemate!
*Handsome German flier Baron Von Richthofen proves Germans superior in air!
*CAW ( Citizens against Wilson ) march, carry signs: " We cannot win war!"
World war II
*America's failed diplomacy and flawed trade practices cause Japanese to attack
  Pearl Harbor!
*The Enigma Code explained!
*Will weather hold up questionable June invasion of Normandy?
*American-born Axis Sally and Tokyo Rose on Why Americans Can't win This War!

            Are you the only one who gets caught cheating at golf? Does Uncle Harry still give only 2 points when you get a ringer at horseshoes? At the family reunion, did Aunt Rose do the grilling: "Are you ever going to get married? " "Are you two still trying to have a baby?" "But why is she going to a junior college ?"  
            Well, Izaak Walton ( 1593-1683 ) felt the same way. It was Izaak who wrote The Completer Angler and fished until he was 83. But was he appreciated? Not hardly! 
His neighbors didn't approve of his dedication to fishing. Among the complaints: 
1. " Poor man. He tells such lies about the one that got away at Loch Ness. " 
2.  "His favorite Bible character is the whale that swallowed Jonah. He says it was 
     the first example of "catch and release."
3.  "His poor wife says his herring is gone and she smelt trouble when he started fishing
     for the halibut."
4.  "I hear he has a cousin up in Scotland who breaks every sabbath by chasing a little 
     white ball across the meadows with a stick."
5.  "Izaak says you catch a fish like you court a woman: give it flashy  bait, lots of 
    line, lovingly set your hook, and reel it in gently." 

            If you haven't quite made out you summer reading list, be sure to include John Grogan's Marley and Me, a must if you are an animal lover. Marley is a Labrador retriever and we are told he is the world's worst dog. This is a very funny heart warming tale that even a cat lover would recommend to his/her friends. Incidentally, if you check out MarleyandMe.com, you can read an excerpt and get photos of the irascible Marley.
    My family has owned ( or been owned by ) 3 cats and 3 dogs. The current member of the animal world is an aging yellow Lab named Drake. Our pets have had an affect on my life that has been exasperating, amusing, and profound. I love the story about the elderly lady and her pet toy poodle,Beauty. The dog saw her through all the good times and bad and was a great comfort when her husband died. A few years later Beauty passed away and the sad lady kept bugging her pastor about dogs and heaven. "Do dogs go to heaven?" She wanted to know. The pastor didn't say much because the Bible doesn't have many good things to say about dogs. In those days they were scavengers and a bit on the wild side. The good reverend kept ducking the question but after the pestering parishioner asked it for the umpteenth time , he finally blurted out, " God knows your needs and if you can't be happy in heaven without Beauty, I'm sure she will be there waiting for you!"  
    The Bible says animals fear ( respect ?) us because we are made in the image of God. If that's true we must have a " God-love " (like His) we can give to all of His creatures. That love makes whatever is loved special and unique. Dogs and cats, over the years, have formed a working relationship with us and gradually when the work was no longer required, by most of us, they became friends, buddies, pals. They offer an unquestioning love that is an example for all of us. So, I'm sure when we go through those pearly gates, we will be reunited with our loved ones and before we can ask about Beauty, Buster, Ranger, or Drake,  they will come bounding toward us from some cushiony cloud anxious to take us on a walk and show us the many wonders of our new home.   

                     
1. Bird flu first victim? The Dodo bird.
2. Can't stand the heat? Learn to delate.
3. Solomon would have made a great blogger.
4. Humanists don't have a prayer.
5. When in doubt, right click.
6. I brake for squirrels and liberals.
7. I reaaly luv too plaaay scrabble!
8. Darwin tried to make a monkey out of me.
9. I spent 3 years in the gutter, then I broke 100!
10.What do Dean, Gore, and Kerry have in common? They've been
     Coulter-cauterized!

Have you heard them yet? Those four awful summer words that strike Daggers to the
Heart?
If you have, don't tell me. Forget I asked.
It's July 8th, not even in double digits yet and I expect to hear them
Any moment.
Sometimes you can tell the kids have heard them first.
You see the gray terror in their eyes, smell the smell of lost summer on Their tanned
Bodies,
As they shiver in the heat of the season.
Be warned!
The four words won't come at you like an obnoxious Billy Mays' cleaning Commercial.
They may sneak up on you in this Sunday's Sunday Supplement.
If you're lucky you will miss them as you focus on the doings of North Korea or the madcap  antics of The View.
But you'll hear them soon and you will know you have turned
A corner.
Like a broken promise, summer time has let you down.
You're already past the 4th of July!
I think the robins have heard them by the way they turn their heads,
Listening and hearing those four awful summer words: "Back To School Sale!"
And you know it's already too late.
You can't go back.
Not ever.