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Time Rewind 10/2-10/06

October 2, 1919 President Woodrow Wilson has stroke leaving him partially paralyzed. Historians believe Wilson's wife, Edith, takes over and becomes our first unofficial lady President. Today we have Hillary Clinton running for the office. It's believed she is working hard on campaign promises. Insiders say she has a hidden agenda which includes getting Bill into a good anger management program, getting even with that wimpy Chris Wallace, and never wearing a blue dress.
October 3, 1777 Military leaders worry about weather conditions before the Battle of Germantown. The battle is not called off and many Americans are killed by "friendly fire" due to the fog and smoke of battle. Cub reporter Helen Thomas calls for a probe of weather forecasting methods, a poll to check country's reaction to battle and she writes that Washington, if elected, could be one of our worst Presidents.
October 4, 1647 Christian Huygens invents the pocket watch. From the start, it is very unpopular due to its size and men say their pockets are too small for the timepiece. All are upset because the pocket watch constantly dribbles sand.
October 5, 1786 Pumpkin Flood takes place along the Delaware River where water reaches 22 feet. Flood gets name from the many pumpkins floating downstream. One pumpkin reaches an island where a girl uses the pumpkin to float to safety. It's discovered later the same pumpkin is lodged in the cement crevice of a bridge and many lives are saved as the bridge remains intact. It will be honored years later in the Peanuts cartoon as the Great Pumpkin.
October 6, 1945 Chicago tavern owner "Billy Goat" Sianis buys a seat for his goat for game 4 of the World Series. He is kicked out of the stadium and puts a curse on the Cubs. Many years later, Cubs owner visits a voodoo witchdoctor who reports it's too late to sacrifice the goat or Sianis as they are both dead but curse will be broken with better pitching, a solid batting lineup, and an improved defense.
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Things I would Like to See Immediately!

1.  Bumper sticker: "I am therefore I blog!"
2.  A computer mouse that can spell.
3.  More insights from Katie Couric's daughter.
4.  The last cleaning commercial from Billy Mays.                                                    5.  The end of lip smacking by television anchors after commercial break.
6.  A longer interview with Professor Jim Fetzer (on Hannity & Colmes) covering subjects such as women, Christianity, and the decline of the Rubik's Cube.
7.  One good-looking male poker player.
8.  Ted Turner get credit for his greatest achievement: Turner Classic Movies.
9.  Instructions on food containers large enough to see without glasses, magnify glass, and the sun at high noon.
10. Fat Lady get final eviction notice  from Fenway Park.
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For Bill Clinton, The Times They Are A'Changing!

Bill Clinton has always reminded me of a bad Bible salesman- a little too squishy, sappy, and syrupy. That type always seems to play well on television. It also fits in with a fawning MSM that finds nothing to criticize in his policies or behavior. His hissy fit with Wallace shows how he handles anything that might be called criticism.  He has been too long in the soft bosom of those who adore him and he is genuinely shocked by anyone who raises questions that might prove embarrassing. In the coming years, we will see more of the raised finger when things don't go his way. Yes, Bill is concerned with his legacy and at sixty ( did he peak too soon? ) he is worried about growing old. The hourglass will turn into a magnifying glass as the years spin along. In the future, he will be judged by those who have no reason to make excuses for him. His ranking among our Presidents will lower in the coming decades. This has been very difficult for Jimmy Carter and will be more traumatic for Bill Clinton to acknowledge that he doesn't  belong on the top ten ( or twenty)  list of our best Presidents.
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Signs Of An Upcoming Cold Winter !

1.  Worrying about insomnia during a long, long winter sleep, bears updated required reading list includes: How Bush Rules, The Confession, Worst Person in the World, and Pretensions to Empire: Notes on the Criminal Folly of the Bush Administration ( zzzz).
2.  Scarecrows seen hitchhiking out of New England over the weekend.
3.  Oprah to introduce new audience segment called, "Hugarama".
4.  With the snowman population to more than triple this winter, the ACLU demands
 that 1 out 4 represent an ethic minority.         
5.  Witches are expected to ride electric brooms over Halloween.
6.  Victoria Secret expecting record sales of fur lined thongs.
7.  Democrats agree that Katie Couric's daughter shows great wisdom when she declares, "It's Bush's fault. He's not doing his job as boss of the weather."
8.  Episcopalian clergy to focus on "hellfire" sermons starting in November. 
9.  At voting booths, Democrats to pass out mittens and scarfs to 1st time voters from South of the Border.
10.Talk show ratings expected to soar as liberals "heat up" listening to Hewett, Beck, and O'Reilly.  
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Time Rewind 9/25-9/29

September 25, 1911 Ground breaking begins in Boston on Fenway Park. Workers find skeletal remains of old burying ground. It's believed a curse is put on property. When Babe Ruth learns of curse he wants to be traded anywhere---even to the New York Yankees.
September 26, 1968  "Hawaii Five-O" makes its debut on CBS. Looking for a memorable catchphrase, writers decide on, "Book 'em, Danno!" They refuse other suggestions such as "Good night, John-Boy" "Who loves ya, Baby?" and "Are you ready for some football?"
September 27, 1892  Book matches are patented by Diamond Match Company. Book matches are slow sellers and are not accepted for years by pipe smokers, campers, and pyromaniacs. 
September 28, 1704  Maryland allows divorce if wife displeases her clergyman husband. This increases number of men going into ministry but is beginning of what is later termed passive aggressive behavior with the rapid rise in headaches and overdone potatoes.
September 29, 1608  Captain Newport arrives from England with supplies for colonists at Jamestown. Indians upset over growth of colony and colonists wonder about mumbling and odd behavior of medicine man. An interpreter puts them at ease when he says, " It doesn't mean a thing. He's putting some kind of silly curse on our use of tobacco."  
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Poor Rosie has ACS!

Rosie O'Donnell says no and won't confess
That she's  been diagnosed with ACS.
It runs rampant in Hollywood and D.C.
Where self-delusion is the golden key.
Advanced Celebrity Syndrome is her main condition
Because she is always right, no matter the position.
The symptoms start with much success
When people keep smiling, saying,"You're the best!"
She thought a magazine was her forte
Or a Broadway hit was on the way.
She blabs her "truth" without a hint
Because she , like God, is omnipotent.
Couric, Cronkite, and Cafferty have the same affliction
Where love of self is the main addiction.
Rosie says she's grown up and learned her lesson
And (Oh! Oh!) a radio network is her new mission!
ACS is incurable to all possessed
Where up is down and East is West.
Remember the one caught by that blue dress?
A perfect example of ACS!
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You know you're a Liberal Democrat when...

!.You're first consideration when buying a new car is bumper sticker space for all of your "hate Bush" stickers.
2. You still carry that Dukasis "tank photo" in your wallet.
3. You think PBS stands for Procure Bush's Scalp.
4. You think Al Gore is too skinny.
5. You have inside information about Bush blowing up the Twin Towers, causing Hurricane Katrina, and peddling steroids to Barry Bonds.
6. You still love the word "malaise" and use it in unique ways: "malaise salad," "malaise headache," and "malaise Republicans."
7. You think a birqua might be okay for some social occasions.
8. You divorce your 3rd husband because middle - age spread makes him look like a cross between Karl Rove and Richard Cheney.                                                                  9. You love the Dixie Chicks as long as they stay cooped up in the backyard.
10.You swear that nice couple was John and Teresa Kerry at your yard sale last week buying books by Bishop Fulton J. Sheen, Dale Carnegie, and David Copperfield.
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Time Rewind 9/18-9/22

September 18, 1830 Horse beats train in first locomotive race. The horse won by a nose and locomotive supporters say they would have won if they had been allowed to attach the cowcatcher.                                                                                    September 19, 1959 Nikita Khrushchev is denied access to Disneyland. Walt Disney fears Huey, Dewey, and Louie will defect. Also, Seven Dwarfs are planning strike.
September 20, 1976 Playboy releases Jimmy Carter interview in which he says he lusts after women. Carter says he suffers from the same malady that affected King David in the Old Testament: marriage malaise. Young Bill Clinton ( a lifetime Playboy subscriber ) sends Carter a telegram saying, " You go, Mr. Peanut! "  Rosalyn ignores question saying Mr. Carter has wonderful plans for America and the world during his second term.
September 21, 1988  Mike Tyson smashes TV camera outside his New Jersey home. Cameraman apologizes for being at the home for such a very long time. He claims he was only trying to find Tyson's good side.
September 22, 1927 Gene Tunney beats Jack Dempsey in famous "long count" for heavyweight title. The referee, a Roman history scholar, says count was long because he was doing it in Roman numerals.
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Ten Reasons NOT to get a tattoo !

1.  "Sailboat" tattoos become the Titanic when you turn 50!
2.  "Tree" tattoos often drip sap in March.
3.  Redoing a tattoo can make you seem indecisive and unsure.
     John Kerry had his donkey tattoo changed to a Swift Boat then to a
     bottle of ketchup. Ugh! Ketchup was spelled kettchuap!
4.  Tattoo artists are notoriously bad spellers.
5.  "Mom "tattoos often cause nagging headaches.
6.  Skunks and sharks love the odor of tattoo ink.
7.  "Haiku" tattoos show you to be pretentious.
8.  Tattoos tattle on your old love life.
9.  Ask yourself, " What kind of tattoo would Grandma want?"
10. Film crew of "Girls Gone Wild" will not film college girls with tattoos.
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Andy Candy

Why do they hate us old Rooney whines,
It must be our fault he weakly opines.
Our behavior still hampers their purpose and will.
They answer with bombs,the more of us to kill.
Rooney preaches appeasement to help deal and cope
While they dream of bloodshed and a gun at his throat.
Man's nature can be changed with smiles and good works.
Andy thinks to shine a rainbow where dark evil lurks.
Has old Andy learned nothing in his very long life?
Can he not see some live only for power and strife?
There are too many I fear like dear old Andy
Who think peace can be bought with flowers and candy.
I wish I was wrong and he was in the right
And all problems could be solved without having to fight.
I wish love would prevail and all troubles broach
And Andy could find a job as a happy life coach.
I wish we were thankful for all of God's blessings
And not having to relearn the same bloody lessons!
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Time Rewind 9/11-9/15

September 11, 1929  San Francisco mayor inaugurate new pedestrian traffic lights. Old-time miners want two colors:black and blue while new league of fashion designers choose mauve, puce, and chartreuse. Finally, green, red, and orange is chosen.
September 12, 1940  Four French teenagers follow dog down hole and discover 17,000 year -old drawings now known as Lascaux cave paintings. Among things learned are the following: Cavemen played tic-tac-toe, There was really an Ally Oop, Ancestor of Kilroy was there, and Stick girl ads for bathing suits were popular.
September 13, 1972 First broadcast of The Waltons on CBS. Portrayed as a poor Depression family, the Waltons had many farm animals, much land for crops, their own sawmill, and many able-bodied family members. The famous "Goodnight" ending was started by Grandma as a head-count. It seems Grandpa Walton had a wandering eye and loved to sneak  off to town in the turnip truck.
September 14, 1716 First lighthouse in the U.S. is lit in Boston Harbor. Sailors at sea are frightened by appearance of strange animals in the sky. Tigers, dragons, and serpents come from the spooky new light. It's later discovered animals are formed by daughter of lighthouse keeper practicing her hand shadow puppets.
September 15, 1977 President Jimmy Carter meets with 15 record company executives . All turn him down, saying his voice is too shrill, his manner lacks sincerity, and his timing is very bad.
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Who Killed Superman ?

   This is the fall we find out who killed two famous Hollywood celebrities--well almost. George Reeves ,who played Superman, was engaged to a woman he was supposedly about to break up with. Rumor has it, he was about to go back with old girl friend, Toni Mannix, the wife of mobster Eddie Mannix. It all leads to a murky conjecture about the star who wasn't faster than a speeding bullet. Another story has him being buried in one of his old Clark Kent suits. This week the Superman movie comes out exploring the topic. Another new film deals with the murder of Elizabeth Short, the girl from Medford, Massachusetts who left home to try her luck in Hollywood. She lost her great love just at the end of World War II and seemed to keep men at a distance but was not above accepting a little financial help from time to time. A great beauty, she became the Black Dahlia after her horrific murder in 1947. A former LAPD detective now claims his doctor father committed the crime. It seems Doctor Hodel had one of those spooky Hollywood mansions where stars could cavort. He also had a secret room built into the house. The good doctor left for Europe after the murder and didn't return for thirty years.
  When you think about it, it seems to be the good guys and gals who are always getting bumped off in Tinseltown. There was Ramon Novarro ( Ben-Hur ) who was murdered on Halloween night, 1968 by a couple of hustlers. Remember Lewis Stone the judge preaching family values to Mickey Rooney in those Andy Hardy movies? At the age of 73, he had a fatal heart attack chasing a couple of intruders from his home. Good girl, Thelma Todd died in her car from carbon monoxide poisoning. There were lots of suspects including gangsters who wanted to take over her nightclub for their gambling purposes. She said "No sale" to their offers to buy her out and they said "No dice" to Thelma living a long life. Nick (The Rebel) Adams died under unusual circumstances as well.
  But there is another Hollywood murder I would like solved first. When I was a kid my favorite Saturday afternoon serial was The Masked Marvel. For 12 weeks we forked over ten cents to watch him battle Japanese spy, Sakima. Each week one of the good guy investigators was bumped off and we kept wondering who the Marvel was. My choice was the character played by actor, David Bacon. Although not much of an actor, Bacon came from a very prominent Boston family and was a graduate of Harvard.  David Bacon was discovered by Howard Hughes who wanted him tested for the role of Billy the Kid in The Outlaw. Bacon didn't get the part and it went to Jack Buetel an actor whose work was laughable but no one cared ;this was Jane Russell's famous "bra" movie. Bacon played one of the investigators trying to sabotage Sakima who was trying to sabotage our war efforts. Each Saturday the gang and I trooped to the Rudy Theater, ten cents in our hot little fist, trying to guess who the Marvel might be. And each Saturday, one of the good guys got bumped off so we didn't learn his identity until the final moments of the final chapter. I guessed right; it was the David Bacon character.  None of us front row screamers knew that two weeks before the serial was released David Bacon was stabbed to death. He told his pregnant wife he was going for a swim. An hour later he stumbled out of his sports car, a fatal knife wound in his back.  Yes, the irony is thick and syrupy: here we were stuffing our faces with popcorn, rooting for a hero who had already been killed by the bad guys in real life!
  A couple of years ago, I learned that Louise Currie, the female lead in the serial, was still with us. I sent her a letter and she graciously mailed me an autographed picture which the kid in me will always treasure. Unfortunately, I didn't think to ask her about the murder of the Masked Marvel.
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Let's hear it for Katie !!!

The paradigm is broken ! Katie's in the anchor chair!
With spikey shoes, gleaming skin and just right hair.
Thank you, CBS for giving us what's right,
A lady who sparkles in a skirt never too tight.
She'll tell us what's true every weeknight
As she leans to the left and takes on the right.
Cronkite and Rather were her mentors sublime,
So she knows how to interview, interpret, and whine.
We know who she favors, she's gone beyond hintin'
For Kerry and Kennedy and a senator named Clinton.
We know she'll take a true and noble stance
As she shows us why we should be more like France.
We'll be watching, dear Kate, except for Matt Lauer
Who has a different "view" and lots of new power.
That's okay because some don't know what's best for our USA
But you will tell us, dear Kate and thanks...for leading the way!
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Time Rewind: 9/4--9/8

September 4, 1888  George Eastman patents the first film-roll camera and registers the name Kodak. Eastman wanted a name with a hard consonant sound at the beginning and end, a name easy to remember. He rejected the names, Ajax, Acme, and Edsel.

September 5, 1698  Peter the Great of Russia calls for a tax on beards. All pay the same tax whether they have a gray, white, or blue beard. Always a circus fan, Peter declares bearded ladies exempt.

September 6, 1628  Puritan's land at Salem and form Massachusetts Bay Colony. The Pilgrims who came first are outnumbered and taken over by the Puritans. On his deathbed an old Pilgrim says, "We lived in Holland and to these shores came,
So our boys and girls could worship the same.
We fought long and hard and with God's blessings
We worked His will and learned His lessons.
Now strangers have come to stay
Worshipping our God in another way.
They've settled in Salem, just up the coast
Miles away but much too close.
They have cows and foodstuffs and good grain too
And serve a drink made of a witch's brew.
But we should be loving and free from sinning
And be ready for changes that are only beginning.

September 7, 1927  Philo Farnsworth demonstrates first television. Although seldom credited, Farnsworth was the primary innovator in the field of television. He also claimed credit for the following television lines: Stay with us, Only $19.95, and Won't you try my product?!

September 8, 1930  Richard Drew Curtis invents Scotch Tape. His descendants would follow in his footsteps inventing Masking, Duct, and Electricians tape. His politically minded grandfather is credited with inventing Red Tape.
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